In 2013 I returned to my career after almost ten years of being home with my children. Six weeks later, I left my husband of seventeen years and took the kids with me.
It was a tough time. In the ten years I had been home, online technology had advanced significantly – there were new applications to learn and social media to navigate. I moved from the not-for-profit to the private sector. I changed from community healthcare to the mining industry. The learning curve felt pretty much vertical, and the first year on the job was an endless fog of new experiences and mastering new skills. Fortunately, my co-workers and boss were understanding and supportive in helping me become a productive employee.
My parents were understanding and supportive of my situation as well. They welcomed me and my children, then aged nine and six, into their home. But five of us living in a two-bedroom condominium was only a short-term solution – it wasn’t fair to my parents or my kids. I had to find another place to live.
That’s where my friend Dee came in and rescued us. She had a spacious house with bedrooms to spare. Her twenty-something daughter had left home and was busy carving out her own life. Dee opened her heart and her home to the three of us.
It couldn’t have been an easy adjustment for her to suddenly have two little boys around after having raised an only daughter. The boys were loud and rambunctious at times. There were LEGOs constantly underfoot. Their soccer ball was accidentally rolled over the seedlings in her garden. A key on her baby grand piano got stuck after my kids practiced for their music lessons on it. Lights were left on in the basement and messes were left in the kitchen. We woke her early every morning as we thundered out of the house to work and school. I’m sure there were times when she questioned her generosity, if not her sanity.
Somehow we made it work and she was extremely gracious, but I expect she was relieved to see us depart after six months of togetherness. I couldn’t blame her – she had been more than patient and kind. For my part, I needed a place where I didn’t have to worry constantly about what mischief my kids might get into next. I found my family a wonderful three-bedroom apartment to rent. After thanking Dee profusely, we took our LEGOs and left.
Living alone presented a new problem – I didn’t have an adult to back me up if I had to work late or leave the house for a quick errand. I hired a part-time nanny, but that was only a partial solution. That’s where my “mom network” came in. These were the women who took my kids home after school and sometimes ended up feeding them dinner when I couldn’t pick them up on time. These were the women who offered to take my kids out on a Saturday afternoon in order to give me a couple of precious hours to myself. And these were the women who gave me a shoulder to rest (and sometimes cry) on.
Along the way, I gravitated toward new mom friends who were also going through divorce or had chosen to single parent in the first place. We shared information and resources. We listened to each other and helped each other out. And on the bad days we picked each other up.
Getting my children and me through those challenging times was a group effort. I could not have succeeded – and ultimately thrived – had it not been for all the amazingly supportive women in my life. For this incredible village of support, I remain eternally grateful all these years later.
Marina, you are absolutely amazing and an inspiration to many who are in similar situations. May they find the ‘village’ they need to succeed, as you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!🏠🍁🏠
Thank you for your kind and generous words, Pam. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family also.
Sometimes the hardest part is asking for help. We underestimate how much people are willing to do if only they knew. We all need our villages.
Wise and insightful words, Monica. Something to think about.
Dear Cousin Marina and family: I remember these challenging times yet I have watched your writing blossom through those days and through the years since. Thank you for creating heart and beauty out of your life. I am grateful for you. With love, Astrid
Thank you, Cousin Astrid. It was a tough time, but fortunately those days are now behind me. Thank you for your support – then and now. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
That was a shout to all the women in our lives who have our backs! What would we do without the female friends and family in our lives? I had my son in Houston, Texas in 1990, at the age of 31. (I’m originally from Toronto). Austin was born almost three months too soon and had to stay in the hospital for a long while. My husband at the time travelled a lot for work, and I had not one relative in Houston to help me out. I was still working full time, and felt lost most of every day for many, many months. Thankfully, I had a large group of great lady friends in Houston who helped me out. Men don’t seem to need male companionship a lot of the time, but women need each other. Marina, I consider you my sister now. Heather. xoxo. 😉
Thanks, dearest Heather. Yes, we women are stronger for having our female support networks, whether made up of friends or sisters. Glad you had your village to get you through your challenging days.
The theme of your memoir is universal. Everybody can identify with it and learn to ask for help.
I also very much like your narrative form. It was just yesterday that I was listening to an audio memoir of Annie Ernaux (she is awarded the 2022 Nobel Prize in Literature). Your writing style is similar to hers. Good for you.
Shahin
Thank you, Shahin, for your kind words – to have my writing compared to a Nobel Laureate is the highest praise! I am most grateful to you and the rest of the writing community that supports me. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.